jubyred

Red Light Green Light

Since the day my son was born, he has had a lot to say.  I have come to accept this fact about him.  He came prewired that way.  I am a firm believer that children are who they are and our job, as parents, is to nurture the best of them and allow them to blossom within that.  My job is not to turn him into someone else or to make him feel ashamed of who he is, but to try to foster an environment where he feels loved and accepted and celebrated for his true self.  It's what everyone deserves.

That being said, my kid just won't shut up.  I mean it in the most loving way.  Really, I do.  I have been told by no less than four teachers now, by six grandparents, and by complete strangers.  He is insightful and bright and his perspective is often quite remarkable for a kid of six.  But I'm not sure his first grade teacher needs to hear it all day long as she tries to prepare his class for all the upcoming standardized tests. 

Just as in Kindergarten, he begins each day on the color Green.  As infractions occur, he can be moved down the line to Yellow, then Blue then Red (at which time a letter is sent home detailing his behavior).  All last year, and towards the beginning of this school year, he was mostly a Green kid with a few Yellows thrown in for variety.  But over the past two months, the Greens are few and far between. 

I got in touch with his teacher and we spoke at length about his overly-social behavior.  He is completely distracted by everything and everyone.  When he is one on one, she said it's like talking to a ten year old.  He's reading at an accelerated level and doing well academically, but simply cannot seem to keep his commentary to himself.  His behavior is disruptive to the other students.  And of course, the main concern is that, very soon, the school work will not be as easy as it is now for him and he will lack the essential skills of paying attention that he will need in order to learn new material. 

So, we spoke at length and now have numerous (like three a day) conversations with him about how to behave.  We have extolled the benefits of Silence.  We have bribed him for good behavior and punished him for bad behavior and none of it has made any bit of difference.  I have recently threatened the loss of Trick or Treating in an effort to make him take it seriously. 

Each day, he comes home with his school agenda and he is required to draw a circle of the color he got for the day.  If he gets anything other than Green, he makes it a sad face, sometimes with commentary like, "Sorry."  But the strangest thing happened after speaking with his teacher last week.  His agenda mysteriously disappeared.  We looked in his backpack but no agenda.  The first day, he told me he got on Yellow.  The next day, we knew he was on Red because a letter came home that we had to sign and return.

Then yesterday, he came home and announced that he got Green! Drew had the kids fed by the time I got home and when I walked in, the two kidswere sitting at the bar eating popsicles.

-Hey Mommy!  Guess why we're eating popsicles even though it isn't a dessert night.

-Hmmm...I'm not sure.  Why?

-We're celebrating because I got Green today!

-That's excellent!  I am so proud of you.  I knew you could do it.  I'll have to call your teacher and ask her how it went today!

-Oh, well. uh, let's see...(rubbing his chin) Let me think, did I get Green or did I get Yellow?  I'm trying to remember now. 

-You don't remember what you got? You seemed pretty sure that it was Green a minute ago.

-Well, I had my mind on something else.  I might have been distracted.  now that I think about it, maybe it was Yellow.

-Hmmm.  Well, here we are celebrating your Green.  You got a popsicle and Daddy and I have been praising you.  How do you think we should handle this since you didn't actually get Green (looking at his half-eaten popsicle).

-Um, well (quickly slurping it down as he's talking to me), throw away the rest of my popsicle?

-Do you think that would be fair?  Since you didn't really earn that privilege?

-Um (slurp slurp) I guess so. Only (slurp slurp bite slurp), it's almost gone and, uh, (slurp slurp) now it really is all gone so uh, all I have is the stick. 

Thanks

My favorite thing GirlChild says these days is her use of the word "Lovin'," which I sort of started using in kind of a funny way.  But, since she's four, she thinks it's really a word we use.

It goes like this-

1. I get home and she runs to me (usually in an elaborate outfit that involves her swimsuit, some tights, a head band, and some high heels) and pulls my hand to the couch telling me to sit down and hold her because she "needs some Lovin'."

2. She trips and falls in the garage getting out of the car (this was last night) and is bawling.  I pick her up and carry her inside and hold her silently until she calms down. 

-All better now?

-Yes.  Lovin' made me better.

 And she hops down off my lap.

3.  Bedtime-She has been tucked in and kissed and sang to and I am downstairs watching TV or cleaning up the kitchen and I can hear her yelling from her room, "Mommy!  I need some more Lovin'!"

4. I see her in Mommy Pretend Mode, playing with her baby dolls.

-Whatcha doing, Sweetie?

-Oh, just Lovin'. I loved Her and Her and now I'm Lovin' Her.

It Must Be Me

One of the things I love most about my husband is his unshakable belief that we were meant to have beautiful, perfect family moments.  He believes they will revolve around traditional events like Thanksgiving dinner, Easter Egg hunts, Saturday afternoon picnics, and this week, decorating the Christmas tree.

As for me, I have long known that those are the least likely moments when we will achieve any sort of family synchronicity.  I document these events with photos and video and try like hell to make it appear as though that's the way it occurred (perhaps fooling our memories down the road into believing it), but it never ever happens.

Case in Point: Last Easter, it was about 30 degrees so we were all freezing because I neglected to bring parkas to the egg hunt.  I also didn't bring baskets, so the kids ran around with Target bags fighting with one another over the candy and crying.  Easter at church, Drew left halfway through the service with both kids and never returned, leaving me sitting there alone while he had two screaming kids in the car.   Good times.

Last weekend's tree decorating extravaganza was no exception. 

I asked Drew to take BoyChild to get the tree.  Already, he's disappointed that we aren't all going to the farm to pick out the one to cut down.  I don't know how he could have a good memory of that.  My memory is chasing kids around the trees, freezing, then a long drive back with cranky kids.

But he agreed to expedite it a bit since I gave him full authority to choose a good one.  Which he did.  Hours later, we finally managed to get the mammoth tree up.  And straight.  Without knocking any holes in the walls. 

The anticipation, however, of getting in those boxes of sparlky, breakable shiny things, was too much for our children to bear. GirlChild showed up to the event in a princess dress (of course) and immediately started pulling things out.  Dropping them.  Pulling wings off angels.  Legs off Santas.

For the next hour, all I heard was the sound of me bitching...

• Please put that down.
• We'll get to that in a minute.  Let us get the lights on first.
• Okay, did you hear me when I said to put it down?
• If you drop that, it's going to break.
• That can hurt you.  Give it to Mommy.
• Does that belong to you?  No?  Then stop touching it.
• Do you want to decorate the tree or not?  Okay then please do what I ask you to do.
• Why don't ya'll go to the playroom and I'll come and get you when we're ready.

After a while, I had to excuse myself before a vein in my head exploded and I started screaming uncontrollably.

It seems like if it wasn't for me, maybe it would look like a storybook.  Drew just sails through it.  Not a word. No anxiety. Everything is fine.  I mean except for the periodic loud sigh and look he gives me for being Debbie Downer.

I guess I just realize that it's a lot of pressure for things to be perfect just because the calendar says it's a certain day.  The most perfect moments come when we least expect them. Tuck-ins at night.  A long drive that goes well.  A good day at the playground.  Bowling with the kids.  Seeing a deer on our hiking trail.  Hearing the kids tell a joke.  And I never have the camera for those moments. 

 

Item 1

I hate being “That Mom.” I didn’t like those broads before I had kids, and they still make me crazy.  But I’m beginning to get it.

I think it started with the diagnosis of BoyChild’s peanut allergy when he was three years old. Suddenly I had to deflect all danger from this kid in a way I had not dealt with before. Instead of just worrying he would fall down the stairs or choke on his peaches, I had to find some way to control his food intake when everyone we came into contact with wanted to feed my kid. I‘ve said this before, but he is an EATER.

We had a lock on the pantry for 2 years not to protect him from allergens, for we had long ago disposed of anything suspect, but because he would sit down and eat 5 slices of bread in one sitting. He would spoon Ovaltine into his chubby little mouth.  And on more than one occasion, I have found him elbow deep in the mayo. His Grammy says he is a joy to cook for.

So, everyone who shows up brings some li’l sumpin sumpin for him, and I have to be the mean Food Police, the big ole downer to say, “I’m sorry, but those fresh baked cookies that you just brought over might kill him.”

The part that irked me most of all is that I’m just not that person with my kids. I don’t answer questions for them. I don’t do anything for them that I’m pretty sure they could take on. On a day-to-day basis, I’m much meaner to my kids than that. There are no special dinners just because you don’t like what we’re eating (oh wait, that never happens). I limit all options and expect them to deal with it.

School began last week. We all woke up and got dressed and walked BoyChild to the bus stop. We took some pictures and waved “goodbye” And so began the week of letters to and from his teacher. The first day, we had dropped off all his school supplies including snacks galore. At snack time, she wouldn’t allow him to eat anything because she was freaked out about the allergies. He’s a pretty easy-going kid, so no drama ensued, but still…I bought the snacks. So, I wrote a nice little note explaining he could eat those. By the time she wrote me back, on Wednesday, she said those snacks were gone because the other kids ate them and could I bring in some more? Okaaay. I wrote back and said, “Sure!”

All week, he would come home and say he was bored. “All they do is baby stuff.” Getting him up in the morning was a struggle. He was hating it. And that was unlike him. When he complained that he didn’t have time to finish his lunch, I told him he should talk less and eat more. When he complained that he has to use the bathroom only at the bathroom time when the whole class goes, I told him that that’s the way they do it there and his body will adjust (but ask your teacher to go if you can’t hold it.)

Then on Friday, he brought home his work for the week and it was sad. He had a folder of the most basic work, recognizing colors and “find all the squares on the page” kind of crap. He’s a bright kid, sure. But he’s almost six. We’re a little past “can you find the blue triangle” stage. His report for the week said he was having trouble paying attention. Another telling sign for me.

Like any mother, I know my kid. He can be a real pain in my ass and he can be bratty and impossible. But a few things are givens with him. He is socially adaptable in most every situation. He is eager and ready for anything. He thrives if he is engaged even a little. He can sit and concentrate for long periods of time. And he loves school. He craves it. He loves the kids, he loves the activities, he loves the teachers. That’s never been an issue.

All I could think about was the Montessori principle of capitalizing on a child’s inherent desire to learn. Children learn to hate school because of their experiences. Hating school is not inevitable. But this is how it goes…kids are bored, not challenged or not getting the help they need.  They are not connected, not engaged, and everything is geared to the group instead of the individual child. If we didn’t get this right, and soon, he would be lost.

So, I sent a very nice letter to his teacher asking if we could find a time to talk about the kindergarten curriculum and what our options are in terms of something more advanced. I explained that there will be discipline issues if he’s bored and tried not to make it sound personal at all.

Later that day, the school principal called me to discuss it.

So, on Monday, the principal walked BoyChild to his new classroom with his new teacher (certified in Gifted curriculum). He will be assessed this week and the class will be broken into groups according to abilities then each group will be taught accordingly. He will also be going to a 1^st grade class for part of the day for reading and math. But he gets to hang with his li’l buddies for Art and PE and all the fun stuff.

A few hours later, his new teacher called me to introduce herself and ask me personally what the deal is with his allergy. I was delighted. She also loves next door to my Boot Camp trainer. It is destiny, I tell you.

Yesterday, BoyChild bought his lunch for the first time. When I asked him about what he ate, he said he had some chicken nuggets and some peaches. “There was some cake thing but it didn’t have ingredients on it so Ms. Phillips said I shouldn’t eat it.”

“She walked with you through the lunch line?”

“Yep. She helped me get all my food and asked the lunch lady about all the foods.”

I heart Ms. Phillips. This is why she was Teacher of the Year last year. He is in good hands. Guess that means I should let go a bit, huh? 

HOA

Ah, the joys of a Homeowners' Association.

I'd like to share with you the recent postings from our site incase you don't have the joy of such entertainment in your own world...

Steven Topic Creator

i know it's important that whoever has those golf carts to get around the neighborhood need the exposure so that everyone knows they have one, but how about showing a little respect for the neighborhood and NOT park on the grass at heritage club. it's a vehicle and should be parked in the parking lot.

Monday, July 23, 2007 11:24:14 AM

Shawn T.

Lighten up Francis.

Monday, July 23, 2007 12:55:39 PM

Frank

are you proposing 'Cart Path Only'? We have finally gotten some rain recently. Maybe the 90 degree rule would work? Should people park their bicycles in the parking lot too? Technically they are vehicles and disallowed from the sidewalks and must be ridden on the street so maybe they should be parked in the lot too? I dont have a golf cart but I dont complain about those who do just because I dont want to spend $3k on a useless conveyance to the pool that my car already suffices for. See Shawn's post.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 9:07:56 AM

Steven

it's not about having one it's about not parking it on OUR common area lawn. how about a VW bug, should that small car be allowed on the grass????. it's a nice 'hike' from the parking lot.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 8:53:09 PM

Frank

while its performance is probably about as anemic as a golf cart, a vw bug is physically much larger and weighs probably 6-8 times as much as a golf cart and is not engineered in the beginning to ever be driven on grass and is therefore a poor analogy to a golf cart. additionally, also unlike a golf cart, a vw bug or any other licensed motor vehicle is prohibited from driving on sidewalks or off the main roadway without prior permission from the landowner in question. there are no rules prohibiting the usage of a golf cart in river green nor are there any guidelines as to where or how they may be operated within our community. additionally, as they are not a conventional motor vehicle, I would not consider them to be as such when interpreting the existing rules governing the usage of motor vehicles within River Green. my biggest concern with your post centers around the fact that in all reality these carts being parked by the pool on the grass are not causing any physical harm to persons, property or landscaping and as such cannot be perceived to be slighting anyone. as a result I can only then assume your personal objection regarding these carts is based upon their owners having one to use and you dont. if that is not true, do please enlighten us all as to why you are so bothered by this golf cart thing. as a non golf cart owner I dont care because at the end of the day no damage has ocurred to the area where they have parked. this would be my only concern.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 11:44:13 PM

Shawn T.

Golf carts on grass? Where does this end? If we don't put a stop to this, why, someone might put a raft in the lake.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 7:49:35 AM

Jessica

We don't even have a golf course here, so it is a moot point about driving on grass. I agree with Steven, golf carts should park in the lot. Any damage will need repaired and that costs all of us money. On a more positive note, has anyone noticed how pretty the flowers are throughout the neighborhood?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 3:31:46 PM

Frank

I think there are quite a few golf carts in peachtree city that never see golf action. maybe the flowers are so pretty by the pool due to the low emissions of the golf carts being parked so close.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 8:07:34 PM

William M

Now that's funny!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 8:17:33 PM

Shawn T.

Frank, I have a man crush on you.

Thursday, July 26, 2007 12:13:18 AM

Steven

frank, i would suggest that you have the carts park on your front lawn but, don't worry, the grass will grow back! and yes, i can afford to have one but choose not to!!

Thursday, July 26, 2007 9:13:38 AM

Jessica

Whatever...

Thursday, July 26, 2007 9:31:46 AM

Hit Me Up, Mommy

At exactly 2:23 a.m. BoyChild stood next to my side of the bed, hand over his ear, screaming that it hurt.  So, I got out of bed and dosed him with some ibuprofen and some ear drops and managed to get him settled.  Then I reset my alarm clock to wake up an hour later, aware that I'd be spending the morning at the pediatrician's office rather than stuck in commuter traffic.

As expected, he had an ear infection.  Make that two.  Two ear infections.  One in each ear.  It's always a nice touch when the doctor looks in there and says, "Oh, wow!  That's not good!"  Like, okay, just take my heart out of my chest and stomp all over it because I'm a shitty mother for somehow not telepathically being so in tune to my son's health that I could know, with no symptoms or signs that his little ears were all infected.

Anyway, he gave us the obligatory antibiotic prescription and I dropped the kids at school since he wasn't infectious and seemed fine.  Guilt guilt guilt ensues.  I should be home with him. He had no fever.  Was in no pain.  But if I were still a SAHM, I would have kept him home. 

So, after work I went to pick up his prescriptions (4 of them!) and as it turns out, the drug store didn't have the stuff he needed.  Three drug stores later, I finally came across a Pharmacist who could do some math and change the dosage on 100 mg stuff to make it seem like the 200mg stuff that was prescribed.  So, he takes 2 tsp a day instead of one. Of course this took an hour to accomplish as I'm driving to each place in my sweaty and rain-soaked boot camp gear freezing my ass off in the air conditioning.

So, I finally get home at like 9pm and find Drew reading to the kids in GirlChild's room biding his time until I show up with meds and pullups for GirlChild's sleep/pee fest.  I load up the little plastic mouth syringe thing they give you at CVS and dose the boy.  GirlChild immediately starts in...

My mouth hurts.  I'm sick.  I need some medicine, too!

No, Sweetie.  You aren't sick.   Dr. Anderson looked in your ears and they are fine.  This is just for your brother. We don't take medicine if we're not sick, remember?

Huge tears.  Wide open mouth crying.  "But I waaaant medicine!!!!"

She ended up settling for a chewable vitamin which probably only perpetuates the problem.  God, they are like a couple of junkies when it comes to medicine.  They make that stuff so sweet now, that anytime I break out the grape-flavored Tylenol, my children start jumping and squealing with delight.  "More!  More!  Can I have some more!?"

Having had the opposite experience of having to pry BoyChild's mouth open to get some medicine in him, I suppose this alternative is preferable, but it is a bit disconcerting to watch your children beg for the meds and make up illnesses to get it. 

Ill Communication

Here's the email exchange between Drew and me after I emailed him some links to bikinis that I was considering for this summer (boot camp has made me HIGH, apparently). The swimsuit models were a bit distracting for him.  Men are simple creatures, after all. 

Watch how we quickly deteriorate into quoting our children:

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:19 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: Which do you think?

If my boot camp actually works, which one do you like best (keeping in mind I will NOT look like the woman in the picture)???

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:27 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

I like the top one or the bottom two. As for the bathing suits, that's really up to you.

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:32 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

You suck

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:37 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

You wish

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:42 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

You like those ones for ME or for YOU?

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:49 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Are we talking about swim suits?

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 10:54 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Yes, Dear. The suits.

You are hilarious, though. 

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:09 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

I like them for you. My personal interest in the matter is completely secondary and in no way factors into my decision making process.

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:16 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

I’ll take that under advisement. Thank you.

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:18 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think

Also, please be advised that during my review of the links below, I visually inserted you into each suit so that my assessment would not be influenced or tainted by the rest of the image.

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:19 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Sure. Right. I believe that.

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:21 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Just trying to help you achieve the best possible outcome.

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:26 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Well, I’d really prefer a win-win situation where I can leverage my boot camp experience to create a cohesive and integrated summertime interface between my hot bod and the pool.

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:28 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

I believe you are positioning yourself perfectly within your space by rebranding your physique now and then taking it to market at peak season.

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:30 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Don’t you “rebrand” me, Mister.

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:31 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Will if I want to.

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:32 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Baby!

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:33 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

Poopy head!

• From: Shannon
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:35 AM
  To: Drew
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

I need a band aid!

• From: Drew
  Sent: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:37 AM
  To: Shannon
  Subject: RE: Which do you think?

She called me a Band Aid!!!

Conversation

Friday, January 19th at 12:42 p.m.

-Hey

-Where are you?

-I’m taking my lunch break.  Well, getting out of there for an hour anyway.

-Where you gonna go?

-I don’t know.  I’m in shopping hell.  Everyplace around here is retail.  There’s nowhere to just GO. I don’t want to go hang out at Target for an hour.

-Yeah, that's a bad idea for you.  Scares me a little. 

- I think I’m just going to go to the mall. I haven't been to a mall in ages.

-Uh…hello?  That really doesn’t make me feel better.

-Well, I don’t know where else to go.  It's cold as shit outside.  At least at the mall, there’s Non-Retail area to just wander around where it’s heated.

-Like where the old people walk?

-Exactly, maybe I’ll become a mall-walker.  Really pump my arms.  Bring my walking shoes to work and head over there every day at lunchtime.

-I wish I could join you. That sounds like fun.

-Hmmm..not so much.  So, you need anything from the mall?

-Could you pick me up a black light at Spencer’s?

-Sure.  Anything else?

-Maybe a poster to go with it.  And one of those lights with the thin strands of fiber optic lights in all colors?

-Absolutely.  Maybe some parachute pants from Merry Go Round?

-Oh, yes, please.

-Red or black?

-Red, obviously.  I want everyone to notice them.

-With black zippers?

-Yeah, I’m into the contrast. Maybe a shirt from Chess King?

-Purple and black stripes?

-I was thinking more of a diamond pattern, but definitely purple, maybe some red.  I was thinking in a silky fabric--not real silk, mind you, but something like it.

-More "wash-n-wear?"

-Right.  And some black pleated silky pants with tapered legs?

-That’s a good look for you.

-Really, who doesn't look good in that look?

-Exactly.  Okay, so now I have something to do on my lunch break.

-Yep.  Oh, and could you get me an Orange Julius while you’re there?

-No problem.

Overheard

I was sitting in the student deli last week at a table alone just eating my lunch and eavesdropping on the conversation at the table next to me.  At the round table next to me sat 6 students.  I’m guessing Computer Animation majors.  The table of misfits, for sure. 

There were 5 boys, all maybe 20-22 and one small Asian girl, very chatty.  The boys were all in love with her and she was eating it up.  I got the feeling these guys might have never seen a girl naked before unless it was, perhaps, the sister of a friend. 

Allow me to introduce the characters:

One was in a long black trench coat (yes, still sporting that look), combat boots, army green t-shirt, terrible skin and torn jeans.  He used the work “outstanding” ad nauseum.  He had Dungeon and Dragons written all over him. Let’s call him Randall.

One had bright pink hair, a speech impediment that didn’t allow him to pronounce his “R”s correctly, and a t-shirt that said “SLUT.”  Wishful thinking, for sure. I’ll refer to him as Kurt.  He refers to Randall as “Wandall.”

The other two boys were the mild-mannered quiet types who were just magnetically drawn to this group.  They let the other speak for them but laughed hysterically at most things that were said. They are Tracey and Pat and have largely been made fun of their whole lives because they have girl names.

Then there was the lone girl.  So priceless.  Long, dark hair, very thin and short, like a child, but made up for her lack of woman-ness with her outgoing spirit.  She’s peppy/borderline annoying-as-shit, but the closest to third-base these guys are likely to get for now. Her name is Suki.

Suki: Do y’all wanna hear me sing?

Randall: Oh yes, outstanding.  

Kurt:  Let’s heaw it. 

Tracey: Uh-huh

Pat: Whatever

The guys faces light up.

Suki: Ok, well, it’s in my native language.

Randall: Chinese?

Suki: No, Stupid, Mong.

Kurt: Mongowian?

Suki: No, Just Mong. It’s a rap song.

Kurt: I hate wap, but I really wanna heaw you sing.

Randall: Yeah, are you gonna sing or what?

Suki: Ok, here goes…

Lots of stalling and giggling.  The boys are getting restless so she proceeds to sing some ridiculous song for 20 seconds, the boys are enraptured.  She giggles. They beg for more.

Suki: Hey, did you know I’m gay?

Pat: You mean you do it with other chicks?

Suki: No, silly, I’m happy.

Pat: Oh, whatever. (Obviously disappointed)

Suki: Get it?

Kurt: Yeah, the wowd had two meanings.  I get it.

Tracey: So you don’t do it with other girls?

Randall: No, asshole.  She was just making a joke.

Tracey: I know that.  I was just asking.

Randall: Hey, do you know what a coup d’etat is?

Kurt: Uh no, I don’t speak Japanese.

Randall: It’s not Japanese, Stupid, it’s English.

Kurt: Whatevew.

Randall: I can’t believe you don’t know what a coup d’etat is.

Kurt: So?

Randall: It’s when you overthrow the government.

Pat: It sounds French.

Randall: Well, duh.  Every word in the dictionary comes from someplace else, but it’s English. It’s what I wanna do.

Suki:  I love being gay!  Gay gay gay!  I’m so gay and I love it!!