jubyred

Lost and found

My dad just sent this to me. For someone now obsessed with pics, I never asked the photographer for one of just me in my dress. One of the reasons I now document everything with a camera.  1997, age 26.  A million years ago. 

Breathing Room

I am sorely behind on posts, I know.  And there's no time to catch up this morning.  Studio Rhubarb got busy quickly so I've been spending a lot of time shooting and editing.  More on that soon.

We have gone down to Florida not once but twice, most recently for Spring break to visit my parents and hang out and eat and drink beer and be lazy.  Mission accomplished. 

GirlChild turned FIVE and we threw her a Princess Tea Party birthday party, our first actual bday party since having kids.  Both kids were home all week before with strep and fevers so I wasn't sure we were going to be able to pull it off, but we made it.  If you don't count the first thirty minutes where my daughter got a little shy about all the attention and locked herself in her room as guests arrived, it was a huge success.

And then there was Easter.  I volunteered to take photos at the neighborhood Egg Hunt so I was swamped getting those shots ready for the website right before we left for Florida.  I got some great feedback on them though and managed to sell quite a few and set up some new portrait sessions from the event for Mother's Day. 

Oh, and now I'm interviewing for a real job-job, like drive there and work in an office and then come home and try to squeeze 3 lives into a 24 hour day. I'll wait to see what happens with it before posting any more details on it.

And that's what I've been up to.  Oh, and tennis (I haven't won a match yet.  No one on my team has if that tells you anything about our outstanding calibur.) And soccer which, thankfully, consistently gets rained out.  A few more weeks in the season for both.

Some of the pics from the past 3 months are here if you are so inclined.  I'll try to catch up soon...

Little Scenes

Inspired by Maria, some shots from home...

Another Year Wiser

Happy Birthday to me. I turned (ahem) thirty eight yesterday.  Obviously I've been in a bit of a whirlwind since leaving full-time work behind.  I'm not sure how it is that I'm busier now than then, but somehow that's the case. Must get caught up.  Must get caught up.  Must get caught up.

I have loads of stories and pictures to catch up on here and will make a diligent attempt to do so soon.  Each year, I go back through these stories and photos to create a book for my family of where we've been and what we've done and who we were.  So far, I have nothing to account for the past two months.  Oops.

So, let's see, Thirty Eight.  Yikes.  I've never been one to freak out about birthdays.  I've never had a problem with the actual number.  Not when I turned thirty or thirty five.  Honestly, I was feeling better about myself at thirty six than I did at twenty six, so it was never a big issue for me.

But thirty eight?  God, that's so close to forty.  I'm practically middle aged.  Ok, ok, I won't think of that.  Here are the good things about this age...

• I know who I am now and I'm not reliant on someone else telling me or showing me that.
• I can ask for what I want.  I know I have rights in relationships to demand communication and respect and I don't feel guilty for asking.
• I know that everyone else is responsible for him/herself.  it is not my job to fix or change anyone.  if other people want me to participate in a relationship with them, I have some standards and if they can't cut it, let's agree to move on.  I have spent so much time wishing and wanting for people to be different.  in the end, it's a waste of time for everyone involved.
• That being said, I think I am also much more aware now that everyone is just doing the best they can.  I no longer take it personally when people can't be what I need.  I can either accept the good parts and that will have to be enough, or, I can decide that it's not and keep walking. 

I'd honestly take all that over being young and cute any day.

The Birthday Girl on Her Birthday

Current Obsessions

In no particular order...

1. La Croix Orange Water-Bubbly but not sweetened.  I despise sweetened water.  That fake sweetener taste makes me want to puke.  But this makes me feel like I'm drinking a soda only with no guilt.  I like the bubbles.

2. Portobello Mushrooms-This is my new go-to meal.  2 Huge mushrooms (scoop out all the gross mushroom underside stuff), load up with fresh spinach and feta cheese, pop in the oven for like 20 minutes.  That's it.  So easy and yummy.

3. My iPhone-We are officially an all Mac family now I guess.  I admit, I have some problems with it which I will detail in another post, but I do love it.  My whole life is now in this phone.  My finances, my calendar, my contacts, my new years "get hot in 2009" tracking, my blog, my photos, my music, my job, my grocery list, my facebook, lists...all of it.

4.  Green Chai Tea-The best of all worlds for me.  I'm drinking it every night now in lieu of dessert.

5. Clementines-My kids are going through them like candy.  I use them every day as bribes for putting laundry away, for cleaning up the playroom, and as dessert two night a week. 

6. Walking BoyChild Home From the Bustop-I love seeing him get off the bus and running to me.  Holding hands down the hill to our house, setting him up with a snack and a drink while he does his homework and I unload the dishwasher or water the plants.  Love it.

7. The Fireplace- I probably have a fire going more often than I should but I cant help it.  In summertime, I love opening all the windows and doors and feeling it way past the point of summer heat.  And in winter, I love a fire in the house.  Many evenings, I sit with the kids on a pile of pillows on the floor in front of the hearth and hang out right there.

8.  My front porch-Again, this is another thing I have missed out on not being home.  Our last house had a front porch and when I was home with the kids, I spent basically every single day on it.  I used to put GirlChild in the pack-n-play as I did yard work, planted flowers and pulled weeds all day.  I used to sit out there and read the mail as the kids napped.  Or, I'd sit outside and gab on the phone.  In this house, it's even better because we have an upstairs front porch and a downstairs one and they are both a lot bigger than before and loads more comfortable.  We live in a neighborhood of very traditional style homes all with front porches. So these days, unless it's freezing, I am out there writing or reading or just hanging out in the sunshine.

9. My Neighborhood Gym- So as I mentioned, I am determined to stop being a fat ass this year.  To achieve this daunting goal, I have been spending some time at our little workout room in our neighborhood.  I've always gone to a big fitness center type facility to work out.  You know, lots of TVs and tons of machines and beautiful people to make me feel bad about myself.  But seeing as how I no longer earn a salary and this is free (thanks to my outrageous neighborhood association fees), I decided to give it a try.  And it's perfect.  There's rarely anyone in there so I have the run of the place in the middle of the day.  It has everything I need plus a big sunlit yoga studio to hang out and stretch in.  It's open 24/7 and it's safe and easy to get to.  The good news is that I've actually managed to stick with going there and I haven't missed the loud pumping music from the other gym at all. 

10. Cooking-And yet another thing I've gotten back into since being home.  It's been so fun to sit down and figure out what's for dinner and then to have time to run to the grocery store and to actually have time to cook it.  I know, I know.  It seems simple.  But for awhile now, a lot of the cooking duties have gone to my husband.  Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing cook.  He is amazing in the kitchen and loves food like I do.  But he's also a great eater and fun to cook for because he'll try anything.  So all last week, he actually came home to (gasp!) dinner ready and a clean house.

Yes, I realize that I am sounding like a total Stepford Wife here, but I can't help it.  I am digging this so far. 

Day Four

So far, so good.  I could totally get used to this new gig.

The children went back to school this week and Drew went back to work.  So this has been my first real week of SAHMdom since Fall 2006.  It's like riding a bike, really.  I have managed to find my way back to yoga pants and the daily pony tail with great ease.  Only this time, it's like having a much better bike.

My work sitch has gotten a bit more complicated.  None of that has been as black and white as I was anticipating.  Basically, I wasn't laid off although it sort of seemed that way.  Instead, I was converted to a contract employee.  So work didn't exactly just disappear.  instead, I am still checking in regularly, checking voice mail, checking email.  It all comes through on my iphone all day long and, mostly feels like kind of an interruption to my day.

I certainly have the option of calling them up and saying "thanks, but no thanks" and just be done with it.  But I don't want to do that either.  Just because I'm not earning a salary, I have the opportunity to continue working and earn more commission on the placements I make.  I'd like to keep that option open.  No sense in burning bridges.  Plus, with the current state of the economy, I think they are sort of counting on me to do that.  What I can't commit to is 50 hours a work each week for no money.

They see this as a temporary arrangement.  As soon as the economy picks back up and agencies are hiring again, they intend to get everyone back to salaried jobs and everything proceeds as it did before.  The thing is, I'm not really interested in that.  This thing with work has allowed me to step back and take a look at what our life has been like for the past two years.  It has been barely managed chaos.  I knew it all along, but it has become abundantly clear with a bit more perspective.

My husband has been a champ about stepping up to fill in the gaps, but I am not married to a multi-tasker.  He'd readily admit to that.  His mind works in a completely linear fashion.  He starts one thing and continues with that until it's done.  Then he starts something else.  That means that a lot has fallen through the cracks.  We've been walking in the door with the kids trying to cram hours of stuff into the space on an hour and a half.  And important things get lost-dinner and catching up and reading and baths and snuggle time and all of it just can't be done if they are to actually get enough sleep so their little bodies aren't dragging all day.

Just this week, I've been able to get BoyChild from the bustop each day and do activities with him.  I can set him up with an apple and watch him do his homework.  He has clean clothes in his drawer each morning.  We can go to the playground and run and swing and I have time to hear about his day.  GirlChild can have her hair braided in the morning and there's time for her to sit on my lap and let me hold her silently for thirty minutes which is what she loves (me too).  These little things sound so obvious and mundane, but unless it was the weekend, they weren't happening much.  Most of my time was spent telling them to "hurry up" or "spit spot."  I am working on eliminating those phrases from my vocabulary unless completely necessary.

So even if my boss called me tomorrow and said, "Ok, never mind.  Come back and we'll pay you and it will all be like before," I would not be interested.  This is where I need to be. 

But after some back and forth with her, some conversations with Drew and much thought, I have decided to go into the office one day a week.  This will allow me to keep my foot in the door, to not feel guilty about what I'm not doing at home, to check in with my colleagues occasionally , and still use my brain a bit.  I'll wait until traffic dies down so it takes me a half an hour to get there instead of an hour and a half.  And since I'm contract, I can leave whenever I want to.  Drew can work from home those days so there's no difference in gas money or childcare. 

I'm hoping this will be the balance I've been craving.  Maybe. 

And the other days of the week, I am managing this house and this family, which I really think I'm good at.  I have been working out every day and eating clean.  I swear, this is gonna be the year I get hot.  The phone guy is coming out tomorrow to hook up our wireless Internet connection.  I have been on the phone with the insurance companies and our investment guy and have been calling moms to arrange play dates with BoyChild's friends.  I have sewn on his cub scout badges and am caught up on laundry.   I know, I know.  Yawn.  But it's this kind of stuff that totally gets me off. 

Gurlz Night

A few days before Christmas, I got together with my girlfriends for a catch-up.  Two are large with child, Tiffany with Number Two and Julie with Number One.  The rest of us are thankful it's not us and, instead of flaunting our big bellies, we were trying to suck it in for the pics.

Having moved around so many times as a kid, I don't have a lot of history with many people, but I've known these girls since moving to Atlanta when I was nineteen or so.  Most of them went to high school together and have known one another since they were listening to The Clash and smoking clove cigarettes (ew).  We have volumes of stories of mutual friends and boyfriends, drunken evenings, bad decisions, bad hair, and now we talk about jobs and kids and what's next.  I treasure them. 

Until Next Year...

Three days before Christmas and I am finding myself in this annual funky funk.  I'm not sure what the real issue is.  BoyChild turned 7 (seven!) on Saturday (I'll write a post on that phenomenon soon-of how in the hell I have a seven year old), then Saturday night after he blew out his candles, I got to hang out with a group of friends I don't get too see too often these days, but who always remind me of how far I've come.  End of the year, beginning of the new year.  Huge, ugly recession which is making my work situation so incredibly stressful, plus my parents are at my house as I type this, meaning I have had all weekend to watch them, see myself in them, hear comments about me which may or may not be true, to miss them, to wonder if I am the same, if I am different...

Ah,  you gotta love the holidays.  Right now, it's like the perfect storm for inner turmoil.

Tomorrow is my last day of work until January 5th and I have decided to unplug until then and reevaluate.  I have been wanting to migrate my blog or clean it up or perhaps stop writing it.  I feel I have no time, and really, since I went back to work, it has become a collection of youtube videos, quickly posted photos of how I spend my time, or links to music.  Yawn.

So, I'm going to sign off for a couple weeks and try to be present in the real world and see if that makes any difference at all.  Happy Holidays & Merry Christmas to you and yours. 

Ashamed to Admit...

...that I have spent waaaay too much time on Facebook recently.  I am the first to admit that it's sort of hypocritical.  I have made fun of these sorts of social networking sites for years now and have sort of prided myself on the fact that I didn't participate.  I already have this blog so it seemed a bit ridiculous to me to have even more sites I must keep up with and to put myself out there even more.  I am already so involved with so many sites because of my job that I resisted another one.  So I felt like I needed to take a step back and evaluate how and why and where I wanted to be.

The blog for me is simple.  Since I was about nine years old, I've kept a journal.  Writing, for me, has always been a way for me to sort through my own thoughts and organize them into something I can understand.  It's a fairly subconscious act for me.  I can sit and write for an hour and have no memory of what I've written.  I don't think about it at all.  I just write and then I go back and read it and I can follow this path of my thoughts that makes way more sense than if I tried to articulate it.  It's hard to explain.  It's as if there's this other person inside of me that writes it.  Like Iam possessed. 

After the birth of my first child, I realized that I needed some way to capture all the events and feelings and thoughts into one place and the blog made sense to me.  Many of my friends have weblogs that they keep as a means of updating family and friends on their lives.  Like me, they include stories and photos of the children. But I realized quickly that if my family or my colleagues at work had access to this, I would heavily edit what I wrote.   I knew that it wouldn't be really real.  Already struggling with my identity as mom/wife/Shannon, I wanted the option to present a real version of myself without worrying my mother or freaking out my father.

This Christmas, I am compiling some of the appropriate entries and pictures from the last year into books for the grandparents.  I will not include stories of any deep-rooted insecurities or political commentary.  I have learned that those sort of topics won't play well in a coffee table book at my in-laws house.

I suppose I could have chosen a private blog, for my eyes only, and it would have accomplished many of the same goals in terms of documentation and compilation.  But what I felt, and continue to feel, is the ongoing need to actually feel connected to people who have the same thoughts and feelings as me.  I read several blogs similar to mine.  Some written by my friends.  Some by complete strangers who allow me a glimpse into their own lives and the struggles and questions they face on a daily basis.  And without question, it makes me feel normal and universal and it lightens what can be a very overwhelming task.  Reading someone else's post can sometimes lighten the feeling that what I struggle with is small and insignificant. 

I suppose, for me, it's the same feeling I get from hearing a song that speaks to me or reading a story or poem that gets inside me and stays there.  In the end, we all want to hear someone else sing our song.  And we want to know that ours was heard and that it mattered to someone else. 

I have chosen to do Facebook a little differently.  I have included family, colleagues and old acquaintances from high school and have limited myself to a certain degree in what I post or how I present myself.  Having friends and family scattered across 5 continents, I've found that it's a nice way to sort of passively be connected with people who I don't want to lose but may not have the time to actively keep up with.  They get the cleaned up version of Shannon.  But lucky you, Jubyred reader.  You get more than just being ambiently aware. Admittedly, it's more for me than you.  So thanks for reading.

Compulsion

I have this cute little thing I do.  When my life gets crazy or stressful, I start to micro manage everyone and everything around me.  It's really charming.  My family loves it. 

Of course it doesn't take a truly enlightened person to understand what's happening.  It simply comes down to control.  When I feel like I have none, I seek it out and make a big effort to get things in order.  This can manifest itself in several ways, but most of the time it just means organizing random closets and list-making.  Lots and lots of lists.  The crazier my life gets, the cleaner my house is. 

So imagine my utter glee when coming across this website where I can really get my list on.  My particular lists are pretty boring, but the fun part is a.) to make your own lists and b.) to scroll through complete strangers' lists.  It's sort of pervy in a mild-mannered way, but I love it. 

It's an ongoing project.  I put a link to it on my site if you want to check it out or make your own.  If you do, link it up with mine so I can peruse your compulsions.